Using Self-Compassion to Beat the Body Blues

Here’s a shocker: Having a better body image is not dependent on body shape and size. Your body image won’t automatically get better if you lose weight or get in shape. Nor does it have to get worse just because you gain weight or lose some muscle tone.

Body image is more complex. Sure, it includes aesthetics, but we can still feel good in our bodies even on days when we aren’t super stoked about how we look. If that seems impossible, then this article is for you, my friend.

Threats to a healthy body image are everywhere in contemporary Westernized cultures. We absorb our family’s beliefs about what counts as a “good” body and what habits make for “good” people. These beliefs are then reinforced by our peers and the culture at large through media and messaging commonly referred to as “diet culture.” We internalize these messages and monitor ourselves to be sure we continue to measure up.

For some, these internalized societal pressures and unrealistic standards lead to harsh self-criticism and anxiety. Constantly evaluating our appearance can trigger a preoccupation with our looks, unhealthy comparisons with others, feelings of shame and low self-esteem, and harmful behaviors. To make matters worse, the fact that we live in a culture that seems to reward people based on appearance can make it challenging to maintain a healthy body image.

Luckily, a growing body of research gives us hope that self-compassion can have both a protective and transformative impact on body image. Rooted in mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness towards oneself, self-compassion is a powerful antidote to the toxic influences that can erode our self-esteem. Here are seven ways to improve body image using self-compassion.

1. Build a better body image from the inside out 

A bad body image day puts the focus on how we think others perceive us. When we are worried about how we look, the impression we’re making, or that others are judging us unfavorably, we are living from the outside in as if we are objects for other people’s use or pleasure and not the subjects of our own plans and desires.

When chronic, this preoccupation with appearance can trigger anxiety which we may try to manage with even more self-scrutiny. We think, “If I can just look perfect, no one can think anything bad about me,” believing that through careful attention to our appearance, we can minimize the criticism from others thus reducing the shame of being seen in an unflattering light.

This is a losing proposition. Not only is it impossible (we cannot control what others think), but it’s also ineffective. As long as we keep the focus outward, we’ll never address the real problem: a shaky sense of self-worth. The problem is that an appearance-focused strategy serves as a kind of decoy. It can seem a lot easier to fix what’s on the outside than to try to fix what seems broken on the inside, like giving a run-down house a fresh coat of paint.

Self-compassion redirects our focus inward in three ways:

1. Helps us become aware of self-critical body thoughts and the harm they cause.
2. Reminds us that our bodies are deserving of care and kindness just like all bodies.
3. Teaches us to value internal qualities at least as much as our external appearance.

The result is that through self-compassion, we learn to trust our internal sensations and use them as guides for self-care and self-regulation.

2. Appreciate qualities unrelated to body size

Once you start living more from the inside out than from the outside in, you might become curious about those internal qualities that make you, you. When we rely more on appearance for validation, we tend to neglect the inner work that helps us to live more authentically and gives us greater life satisfaction. 

Bringing the focus inward again reminds us what makes us unique. We start to appreciate parts of ourselves that extend beyond the superficial, such as kindness, intelligence, resilience, and creativity. This expanded view of self allows for a more comprehensive view of personal identity where physical appearance is just one facet among many.

Embracing self-compassion enables individuals to build a reservoir of self-esteem rooted in their intrinsic qualities, providing a stable foundation that withstands the fluctuations of societal expectations. It also helps us go easy on ourselves when we mess up or make a mistake. A commitment to self-compassion shows us we don’t have to be perfect to be loveable. 

3. See others as allies rather than competition

When self-worth is tied up in weight or appearance, it’s easy to see bodies that are closer to the thin ideal as more worthy. Rationally, we know this doesn’t make sense. Of course, beautiful people aren’t necessarily better. But we sometimes see them treated better or portrayed differently in films and media. In life, we hear of opportunities given to attractive people (AKA pretty or thin privilege) and we ourselves may have even been treated differently at different weights or after a major change to our appearance. Just ask any woman over 50. 

I’m not here to gaslight you and tell you that what you see out there isn’t really happening because it is. Thin privilege is a thing. Weight stigma is certainly a thing. And many real people benefit and suffer every day.

But for this circumstance to deeply affect us, we have to buy into a view of social structure based on hierarchy and status. This view forces us to constantly evaluate our position in the hierarchy and position others as competition. If we truly believe that the closer to the standard you are, the more good stuff you get, it makes sense that we’d want to try to get as close to the top of the ladder as we can.

The tragedy though is that the more we focus on appearance, the less time and resources we spend on more important projects because we believe that there is a lot at stake for us if we don’t measure up, namely our safety, security, and belonging. Luckily, self-compassion challenges this mindset through common humanity. Recognizing that nobody is perfect and everyone faces struggles and insecurities allows us to view others as allies rather than competitors in the pursuit of an unattainable standard.

Even more compelling is the fact that self-compassionate individuals are more likely to extend kindness and understanding to others. This shift in perspective promotes a supportive and empathetic community, where individuals uplift each other rather than perpetuate a culture of judgment and competition.

Through common humanity, self-compassion diminishes the isolating effects of comparison and encourages collaboration toward shared goals of well-being and self-acceptance.

4. Reduce harsh criticism and self-punishment

Even when we aren’t comparing ourselves to others, we might still have a tough inner critic to contend with. Unsurprisingly, a critical internal dialogue can significantly hinder the development of a positive body image. However, cultivating an inner compassionate voice acts as a counterforce to the harsh self-criticism that often accompanies body dissatisfaction. Instead of berating ourselves for perceived flaws, self-compassion encourages a kind and understanding response.

Unchecked, feelings of inadequacy about our bodies sometimes lead to harmful behaviors like food restriction and excessive exercise as a way to punish ourselves for our shortcomings. When we practice compassionate self-talk, we disrupt the cycle of self-punishment and cultivate a more supportive inner relationship with ourselves. 

Additionally, redirecting body-bashing language toward a more neutral tone is an important first step toward body kindness. Rather than engaging in negative self-talk, we can adopt statements that promote appreciation and respect, independently of how we think our body looks or in response to a flawed perception of our bodies. 

For example, when we find ourselves saying something like, “I hate my thighs,” or “Ew, gross!” when looking in the mirror, we might notice how painful that is to hear and how mean-spirited it is for us to say to someone, especially to ourselves. Realizing that we are both the attacker and the attacked is cause for pausing and apologizing to ourselves. You don’t need to use a body-positive affirmation. Yet. You just have to stop being such a jerk to yourself, even if there is a part of you that still thinks you deserve it. You don’t. You just don’t.

5. Motivate with care rather than criticism 

There are times when our negative feelings about our bodies arise from a lack of good self-care habits. Commonly, adopting new habits is pretty hard to do, even when we know they are good for us in the long term. But when we try to motivate ourselves through fear or threat of criticism, we may not set realistic goals or worse, rebel against them. We may even believe that we need to be critical or we’ll just end up being lazy due to a misconception of what it means to be disciplined.

Traditional notions of discipline often involve strict self-control and criticism to achieve desired outcomes. Self-compassion shifts this belief by emphasizing genuine concern as a motivating force. Consequently, we are more likely to engage in behaviors that promote well-being from self-care rather than fear or criticism.

Research shows that we are more likely to make sustainable and positive choices that support health when we motivate ourselves through kindness. When we believe we deserve kindness and care, we are more motivated to take care of ourselves. The more we care for ourselves, the better we feel, thus perpetuating a virtuous cycle and disrupting the downward spiral of self-criticism and destructive behavior. This intrinsic motivation, driven by a desire for self-improvement rather than fear or punishment, is more likely to lead to long-term positive behavior change and maintenance.

6. See your future self as a friend

Reducing self-criticism and motivating through care are important steps to making friends with ourselves and our bodies. We’ve seen how self-compassion and kindness can serve as powerful tools in establishing and maintaining good habits. Rather than berating ourselves for perceived shortcomings or failures, we treat ourselves with the same kindness and empathy that we would offer to a friend in need. But do we view our future selves with the same affection? 

One effective strategy for maintaining our good habits is to view our future self as a friend whom we deeply care about and wish the best for. Research suggests that we use different parts of our brains to envision our present self compared to our future self. This means we actually see our future self as a separate individual, a stranger even.

By making friends with our future self, we cultivate empathy towards that version of ourselves and are more likely to make choices that benefit us, just as we would do for a cherished friend. It’s as if our actions become little gifts for our future selves that we’ll thank our past selves for later.

This applies to body image too. When we take care of our present bodies and treat them with respect, we are making things easier for our future selves. Examples might be getting to sleep on time, moving our bodies in ways that prevent injury and fatigue, or eating to prevent future hunger.

If I toss a snack in my bag on a day when I know I’ll be busy and things are unpredictable, my future self will thank me when I get hungry later and there’s no food in sight. Rather than my body causing problems for me, I have anticipated its needs and shown genuine care. Thus, making friends with our future self is key to making good habits stick and looking out for our own best interest.

7. Transform shame and anxiety

Body shame is a sneaky form of anxiety. We think it’s just about our body, but sometimes it’s deeper than that. Body shame takes all our troubles and insecurities, weaknesses and flaws, and symbolically funnels them into one problem we think we can solve: our body shape. The anxiety and shame are tied to the belief that we’re just not good enough on the inside and somehow we need to make up for that lack by changing our outside.

Fortunately, self-compassion acts as a powerful antidote to these detrimental mood states by providing a buffer against harsh self-judgments and guiding us toward self-acceptance. Rather than seeing our shortcomings as fatal flaws, we start to see them as charming idiosyncrasies. Self-compassion soothes and heals our imperfections like the gold used to repair a Japanese kintsugi bowl.

What once felt broken becomes beautiful to us.

Furthermore, when individuals approach their struggles with self-compassion, they are more likely to view challenges as opportunities for growth rather than sources of shame. This shift diminishes the power of external influences and builds resilience in the face of societal expectations.

By reducing shame and anxiety, self-compassion creates a more nurturing internal environment, allowing us to approach life with greater confidence and a more positive outlook on our bodies. In the end, we are all kintsugi in the making.

A skill worth cultivating

Even if being kind to yourself feels awkward and foreign now, the truth is it’s a skill anyone can learn. The 8-Week Mindful Self-Compassion Training is a good place to start.

Once mastered, self-compassion emerges as a transformative force in the journey toward self-acceptance and genuine self-care, offering a toolkit of attitudes and practices that lead to a more positive and nurturing relationship with one’s body. By encouraging us to live from the inside out, see others as allies, appreciate non-appearance-related qualities, reduce self-criticism, redefine discipline, and alleviate shame and anxiety, self-compassion provides a comprehensive framework for improving body image.

As we practice the skill of self-compassion, we naturally develop self-acceptance, resilience, and a genuine appreciation for the unique qualities that make us who we are. In a society that often thrives on comparison and criticism, self-compassion becomes a guiding light, illuminating the path toward a healthier and more positive relationship with one’s body.